Olivia Catherine Smith
November 5, 2001- February 8, 2002
It should be said that I love my daughter very much, even though I had an abortion with her. I am learning that it is okay to let her go; that it doesn't mean that I love her any less than I did six years ago. For many years now I thought that if I felt anything but pain and grief, I would be failing her again. I now understand that I can remember her without feeling utter grief and torment. I can honor her memory by being a better person; I can (and will) tell my future children about their big sister Olivia. I will never stop loving her, but I am giving myself permission to let go of the negative energy that I have been hording all of these years. I did what was best at that time in my life. I did it BECAUSE I loved her, and wanted better for her than I could do with that situation--with that unstable life. She will never come back to me, and for the first time since 2002, I am at peace with that.
I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but her life means something, as brief as it was. I don't know exactly what it means- I think that it is capable of changing yearly, monthly, daily, hourly. But trust me, her life means more than anyone will ever know.
At any rate, I am marked- forever changed, because she is my daughter. Because of what I did to her, and to myself.
No matter what anyone thinks, I love her still, and always.
I am Olivia's mommy.