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Mothers Without
Mothers yesterday, mothers tomorrow, but never mothers today.
Lost my lady bean... 
7th-Nov-2007 11:25 pm
I'll hide from you...
Nathan and I lost our baby early Friday morning.

I know you are all wondering what happened, how, why...some of those I am wondering too.

My feelings right now? I feel unbearably empty. Where there was life inside me, there is no more. I can't feel her kicks, rolls and pokes anymore...I can't look forward to her waking me up when I'm sleeping or remembering she is there when I'm feeling lonely. I can no longer lay in bed with Nathan and watch him talk to my belly, rub it and give it kisses. I can't hear him say "I love you" to her anymore, I can't feel him poke at my belly and then feel her reaction to his touch. I can't dream with Nathan about what she will do anymore, we can't talk about where we will take her, what her temperment will be like, what her favorite activities might be. We can't talk about what we will teach her. I feel drained of all my energy, my life force and my spirit. A huge part of me has died with her. The whole time I was in the hospital recovering...I had an intense urge to have her in my arms, on my chest, to feed her, to be with her.

Now, when I am alone, I am COMPLETELY alone.

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The picture above is us in the hospital after I delivered November 2nd. Hell is holding your tiny deceased child in your arms that you have just given birth to, knowing they were alive just moments before. She passed away during the spontaneous and extremely unexpected pre-term delivery. It happened in about an hour and was over, she was gone. It was like the ER in movies..there were doctors and nurses everywhere..surrounding me, bright spot-lights in my eyes, doctors were calling other units on the phones, confused and trying to assess the situation. I was lying there on that bed in what is to this day, the worst pain I have ever experienced. Writhing and screaming because it hurt and I wanted to push but was being told not to so the doctor could find the fetal heartbeat on the ultrasound machine. He looked at me and said "I can't find the heartbeat"..."What!?, oh GOD!" I said yelling in agony, my heart might as well have stopped right there at moment as well. It feels like it did anyway...

I have never felt sorrow like this, THIS IS my worst nightmare.

I remember seeing the infant warmer they rolled into the room when they thought that my child might live, I kept staring at it the whole time...wishing they could have used it. I wished to see her lying there...my tiny bean living. I wished to hear her cry, to see her little bean eyes open. Were they blue, brown ? I will never know.

All I wanted to do was hold my living child and take her home after being in the hospital, she was 13 inches long and weighed 1 pound, she mostly resembled Nathan, their ears were identical as were their bone structures, Nathan thinks she had my lips. I see her every time I look at Nathan, which makes my heart smile for a split second because I can "see" her again in a way. She was formed so perfect. We MISS our daughter. We opted to keep the clothes that the hospital put her in, a tiny flower printed dress, matching bonnet and cute pink blanket. Everywhere I go, I take the bonnet along.

Now, I think I can say....that I will never be whole again.

Goodbye my baby, goodbye my sweet bean...



ANNILIESE WARTKE




Concieved 5/07 - 11/2/07
Comments 
17th-May-2008 01:26 am (UTC)
i stumbled across your journal while reading the friends list of a mothers without community. i wanted to say that you are not alone. i cried for you and i cried for myself. reading what you wrote brought me straight back to the night my Mia was born. i loved and love her so much.

it's been three years for me. i can't promise you it will be "better" but the pain does become more bearable.

and if i could offer you any advice it would be this... do not ever let anyone tell you that you should be "over it". take your time. grieve the way you wish to. let it out. i didn't have that luxery and i regret it.

*big hugs from a strange lady on the internet*
17th-May-2008 11:43 pm (UTC)
Your words really do mean a lot to me, thank you very much. It's been six months and I'm still in pain, I that pain will always be there...but it does get more bearable as time goes on.

I just keep thinking that I'll never know my first child. And what if I don't have another girl? I lost my only lady bean :(
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